Sharing

made bare and vulnerable with your earnestness

Feels like fog

If only the one voice that matters would still.

Then the relentless, slave-driver lashing would stop.

Perhaps, then there will be peace.

I am: A Note to Daddy

I made a model of you.

I have always been afraid of you.

burn, burn, burn I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.

One day I will find the right words, and they will be simple.

But the gods are fallen and all safety gone.

I took a deep breath

and

listened to the old brag of my heart: I am, I am, I am.

Daddy, daddy, 

I’m through.

I'm not good.

I am, I am, I am

born in fury

burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding

I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another mad to live mad to talk mad to be saved desirous of everything at the same time

till i drop

the free, exploring mind of the individual human is the most valuable thing in the world

I am, I am , I am.

If ‘Thou mayest’—it is also true that ‘Thou mayest’ not.

One day I will find the right words, and they will be simple:

I took a deep breath

Daddy, daddy, you bastard, I’m through.

I’m through.

Words taken from Dharma Bums, On the Road, “Daddy”, The Bell Jar, and East of Eden

Journalism Sucks

Things that grind my gears - poor journalism.

Case in point? How a tweet from Robert Kardashian Jr. about law school with USC tags gets reported by multiple news sources (including USA Today and Huffington Post) as legitimate news. Only problem is that USC Gould School of Law has NOT accept Kardashian. He has not even applied to USC Law.

This means that these news sources didn't even bother checking with the University, and some still have not updated their stories to reflect the official response from the University. Irresponsible.

GET YOUR ACTS TOGETHER PEOPLE.

Letter of note

President Reagan may not have been the best POTUS we've had - HIV/AIDS during the Reagan years? That was one helluva look-the-other-way reaction to the epidemic - but he certainly had some fantastic moments.

In this touching letter to his son, he bestows some wonderful advice concerning marriage.

If I'm ever bored, I guess this will be on the list of things to do

Take the SAT again for shits and giggles. Just to see how I'd do on the whitest test ever.

http://deadspin.com/5893189/what-happens-when-a-35+year+old-man-retakes-the-sat

You Don't Know Jack

An article about my friend in a high school newspaper: http://elestoque.org/2012/03/12/magazine/jack/

On April 7th, there will be a donor registry event at BruHaus on Wilshire (Down the street from UCLA). People can join the bone marrow donor registry and get a 10% discount and food and drinks.

Save lives. All it takes are some cheek swabs and an open heart.

Operation Reset

On my quest towards being a better person:

1. Listen
2. Make lists
3. Complete lists
4. Improve communication
5. Be nice
6. Be fair
7. Be respectful of others
8. Be patient
9. Judge less (because right now, it seems impossible to pass judgement on others)
10. Make time for people and give EVERY ONE my best
11. Not take things and people for granted
12. Complain less
13. Journal more - cheaper than therapy
14. Tell people I care/love them more
15. Have more courage
16. Be more productive
17. Stick to goals and not settle
18. Smile more
19. Watch the word vomit
20. Think more and think deeply

Quarter life crisis...part deux

I just realized that this year, I'll be in what I consider to be my mid-twenties. It's a terrifying thought. Especially with a friend's father ailing, and three other people I know under 30 dying of leukemia. So sad.

I feel a sudden need to accomplish more and faster. And do good. Because I'm dying a little every day like everyone else, and if I were to suddenly kick the bucket without warning, I'd like to have left behind something. Even a small something. A few great memories, or a certain feeling. Maybe this is just my desire to be significant somehow, like pretty much every person desires.

Please join the bone marrow registry. www.bethematch.org

Help me save someone

It's easy to operate under the false assumption that we are invincible when we are young. That we are healthy and strong, and can't be bothered with how vulnerable we actually are to disease, debilitating injuries, pain, suffering, and even death. But every once in a while, comes a very healthy slap to the face, bringing us collectively back to reality: that mortality is a very real thing, and it's hitting me remarkably close to home.

I met Jack when I was in second grade. He was in my class very briefly, before he transferred out, to a different teacher. I'm actually much better acquainted with his twin brother, since we had more classes together in high school, and play rugby, Rock Band, and board games during holidays with a group of friends from high school. Though I didn't spend very much time hanging out with Jack, I know that he is an extraordinary individual. He was involved in Speech and Debate in high school, went onto West Point, and then graduated from UCLA. He is a scholar, an athlete, an extremely determined individual, and a genuinely friendly person.

Last summer, Jack was diagnosed with Acute Leukemia Syndrome. Rounds of chemotherapy changed nothing; his only option now is a bone marrow transplant.

Unfortunately, his parents aren't matches. Even Jim, his twin brother, isn't a match. The really, truly, knots-your-stomach-frightening thing is that his chances of finding a match are extremely slim. Like 1 in 20,000 slim. And if a match cannot be found, and soon, it means that Jack, for all of his courage and fight, will die.

The statistics behind finding a match are generally shitty: There are 9.5 million people in the Be the Match Bone Marrow Registry, which is roughly only 2 percent of the entire US population. To make matters worse, there's a significant number of people in the registry that will not donate if asked to do so. (The percentages of donors who are available and willing are:  65 for Caucasians; 47 percent for Hispanics; 44 percent for Asians; 34 percent for African-Americans.) Finding a match is especially difficult for minority groups, with multi-racial/multi-ethnic individuals having the hardest time finding matches.

This isn't a situation where Jack was involved in a Final Destination - style untimely accident. He has a shot at life so long as people step up and register. The more people that register with the Be the Match bone marrow donor program, the more likely that a match can be found. His family and friends are currently employing  every resource they have to find a donor, including Reddit, the TC registry, and crowd-sourcing on Facebook. They are fighting to give him his best chance, and I am doing my best to do the same.

I'm not just asking you to think about mortality right now. I'm also asking you to help:

Please take five minutes and join the National Marrow Donor Registry. This site has just about everything you need to know about the registry and bone marrow transplants. You complete a brief questionnaire, some straightforward registry forms, and you're 90% done. Assuming you agree, the organization will send you a cheek swab kit to obtain a sample of your cells. And the kit is exactly as it sounds; you swab four giant q-tip things on the inside of your cheeks, and you send the kit right back. Absolutely painless.

You could also find a local bone marrow drive to register immediately. You could also plan your own bone marrow drive.

If you are a match for someone in need, you will be contacted by a medical professional. Jack has a greater chance of matching someone of Asian descent (only about 7% of the 9.5 million donors are of Asian descent), so I especially encourage all those in the category to apply. You may not be a match for Jack, but you may be a match for someone else, and be that person's best chance at life.

Last, but certainly not least, please pass this message on.

Thank you.

Symptomatic of Being in Grad School

From Wikipedia, the most awesome of debatably legitimate online resources:
"The impostor syndrome, sometimes called impostor phenomenon or fraud syndrome, is a psychological phenomenon in which people are unable to internalize their accomplishments. It is not an officially recognized psychological disorder, but has been the subject of numerous books and articles by psychologists and educators. The term was coined by clinical psychologists Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes in 1978.^[1]
Despite external evidence of their competence, those with the syndrome remain convinced that they are frauds and do not deserve the success they have achieved. Proof of success is dismissed as luck, timing, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent and competent than they believe themselves to be.
The impostor syndrome, in which competent people find it impossible to believe in their own competence, can be viewed as complementary to the Dunning–Kruger effect, in which incompetent people find it impossible to believe in their own incompetence."



That, and what am I doing with my life?!

Steinbeck on Love in a letter to his son

Steinbeck is one of my favorite writers, and this letter to his son (who wrote to him about the prospect of falling in love) is yet another reason why:


New York
November 10, 1958
Dear Thom:

We had your letter this morning. I will answer it from my point of view and of course Elaine will from hers.

First -- if you are in love -- that's a good thing -- that's about the best thing that can happen to anyone. Don't let anyone make it small or light to you.

Second -- There are several kinds of love. One is a selfish, mean, grasping, egotistical thing which uses love for self-importance. This is the ugly and crippling kind. The other is an outpouring of everything good in you -- of kindness and consideration and respect -- not only the social respect of manners but the greater respect which is recognition of another person as unique and valuable. The first kind can make you sick and small and weak but the second can release in you strength, and courage and goodness and even wisdom you didn't know you had.

You say this is not puppy love. If you feel so deeply -- of course it isn't puppy love.

But I don't think you were asking me what you feel. You know better than anyone. What you wanted me to help you with is what to do about it -- and that I can tell you.

Glory in it for one thing and be very glad and grateful for it.


The object of love is the best and most beautiful. Try to live up to it.

If you love someone -- there is no possible harm in saying so -- only you must remember that some people are very shy and sometimes the saying must take that shyness into consideration.

Girls have a way of knowing or feeling what you feel, but they usually like to hear it also.
It sometimes happens that what you feel is not returned for one reason or another -- but that does not make your feeling less valuable and good.

Lastly, I know your feeling because I have it and I'm glad you have it.

We will be glad to meet Susan. She will be very welcome. But Elaine will make all such arrangements because that is her province and she will be very glad to. She knows about love too and maybe she can give you more help than I can.

And don't worry about losing. If it is right, it happens -- The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.

Love,
Fa