I am a liar.
From the moment I wake up I feel like the day is a performance. It's a bad performance because I crack.
I'm not ok.
I hate questioning.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Greetings from Buffalo!
I am having a blast at this conference, though I have skipped a good half of it unintentionally. I am half on PST and half on EST, which means that I go to bed around 2-3am EST (which is 11-12 PST) and wake up around 6:30am EST (3:30am PST). I am not a napper, and yet I am most definitely conking out around 2pm for several hours everyday since Wednesday. I am not used to this!
I have also been missing out simply because I have midterms next week, and I am not attending lecture because I need to study so I physically can't/shouldn't be participating which makes me super anxious about my grades and I have to complete some extra credit so that I do not fail a couple of courses or at least get an unacceptable-to-my-"Asian"-standards (which are really just MY standards anyway, but I use "Asian" to deflect ownership of certain really high expectations and oh! look what I've done to this sentence).
Run-on sentences can be so much fun to read aloud. Though grammatically incorrect, there is just something so fabulous about breaking the rules and simply saying exactly how you mean straight from the brain. No filters, isn't that nice.
I can't ever pass on the opportunity to buy a book, or even several. This is the primary reason for my being poor once I am financially cut off from my parents. There's a book fair at the conference, where many of the participants are selling some of their work. Of course I had to buy a couple - Half Life & The Melancholy of Anatomy. Both works are by Shelley Jackson, who's sensationalized by her textual experiment "Skin". I attended her reading a few nights ago. She makes me want pink hair and bangs. And a tattoo that's assigned by her. I want that experience of complicating my identity by someone's claim of ownership of creating me. Does that make sense? Life is just one big cacophony of experiments.
Of course I should choose Shelley Jackson's texts as my next literary adventure. She writes treatments of the body and the possibilities of the body. I presented a critical analysis of a textual body to postulate the reading of the physical body. My entire panel addressed the theme of the body and bodily experiences. The body is so damned interesting.
After my panel on Thursday, the women in my panel and I went to grab a drink at a bar, and we proceeded to discuss pastimes, pornography, Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia pets, and terrible conference humor. One very interesting observation that one woman made was "I never know what I really look like. It's different in every mirror. It's rather disconcerting to not know what you really look like." This prompted some hilarious musings over whether or not pulling out an eyeball to be a true gazer would work or not, given the lack of depth perception and gruesome vision of an eyeless socket and blood running down the face, and that this would make a fabulous Halloween costume. (What a sentence THAT was.)
Anyhow, this did make me think that it is true that I do not know what my face really looks like. It is disconcerting to not be fully aware of what it is that I own as part of me. That, and that I am subject to any other person's gaze without one of my own. I realized that I cannot do what Astrid does at one point in White Oleander, which was draw her own face so many times that she had memorized every line, curve, and plane. I cannot do that. I can position myself in front of a mirror with a pad and pencil (charcoal, actually, is my preferred medium) and never really know what I look like from one glance to the next.
I have also been missing out simply because I have midterms next week, and I am not attending lecture because I need to study so I physically can't/shouldn't be participating which makes me super anxious about my grades and I have to complete some extra credit so that I do not fail a couple of courses or at least get an unacceptable-to-my-"Asian"-standards (which are really just MY standards anyway, but I use "Asian" to deflect ownership of certain really high expectations and oh! look what I've done to this sentence).
Run-on sentences can be so much fun to read aloud. Though grammatically incorrect, there is just something so fabulous about breaking the rules and simply saying exactly how you mean straight from the brain. No filters, isn't that nice.
I can't ever pass on the opportunity to buy a book, or even several. This is the primary reason for my being poor once I am financially cut off from my parents. There's a book fair at the conference, where many of the participants are selling some of their work. Of course I had to buy a couple - Half Life & The Melancholy of Anatomy. Both works are by Shelley Jackson, who's sensationalized by her textual experiment "Skin". I attended her reading a few nights ago. She makes me want pink hair and bangs. And a tattoo that's assigned by her. I want that experience of complicating my identity by someone's claim of ownership of creating me. Does that make sense? Life is just one big cacophony of experiments.
Of course I should choose Shelley Jackson's texts as my next literary adventure. She writes treatments of the body and the possibilities of the body. I presented a critical analysis of a textual body to postulate the reading of the physical body. My entire panel addressed the theme of the body and bodily experiences. The body is so damned interesting.
After my panel on Thursday, the women in my panel and I went to grab a drink at a bar, and we proceeded to discuss pastimes, pornography, Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia pets, and terrible conference humor. One very interesting observation that one woman made was "I never know what I really look like. It's different in every mirror. It's rather disconcerting to not know what you really look like." This prompted some hilarious musings over whether or not pulling out an eyeball to be a true gazer would work or not, given the lack of depth perception and gruesome vision of an eyeless socket and blood running down the face, and that this would make a fabulous Halloween costume. (What a sentence THAT was.)
Anyhow, this did make me think that it is true that I do not know what my face really looks like. It is disconcerting to not be fully aware of what it is that I own as part of me. That, and that I am subject to any other person's gaze without one of my own. I realized that I cannot do what Astrid does at one point in White Oleander, which was draw her own face so many times that she had memorized every line, curve, and plane. I cannot do that. I can position myself in front of a mirror with a pad and pencil (charcoal, actually, is my preferred medium) and never really know what I look like from one glance to the next.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
New Opportunities . . . I think
This is 2 week-old news:
I will be presenting a paper on Bhanu Kapil's text Incubation: A Space for Monsters at the &NOW Conference of Innovative Writing and the Literary Arts in October at Buffalo, New York. The conference is hosted by the University at Buffalo, SUNY.
My paper discusses the ways in which Kapil's work is a hybrid of a many different genres, which defies easy categorization, which I believe is for the better.
I will be presenting a paper on Bhanu Kapil's text Incubation: A Space for Monsters at the &NOW Conference of Innovative Writing and the Literary Arts in October at Buffalo, New York. The conference is hosted by the University at Buffalo, SUNY.
My paper discusses the ways in which Kapil's work is a hybrid of a many different genres, which defies easy categorization, which I believe is for the better.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Happy Anniversary
I developed a serious case of what I called my "quarter-life crisis" a few months into my 20th year. Now I'm at approximately the 1 year anniversary of this phenomenon. To celebrate this past year of Carpe Diem-ing, I thought that now would be a good time to revisit the list of things that I've accomplished in this whirlwind year:
1. Committed myself to and ran a half-marathon.
2. Got a tattoo
3. Got my ear cartilage pierced
4. Wrote 76 pages of a manuscript that I do not intend on publishing. Overall, a very good foray into creative writing; it was definitely a nice change of pace from expository writing all the time.
5. Emailed Bhanu Kapil and was pleasantly surprised to find that she wrote back.
6. Got another tattoo
7. Roadtrip to Vegas (mostly as a driver)
8. Committed myself to and ran a full marathon (the day after a fairly bad car accident). Makes one appreciate being alive
9. Submitted a proposal to read a paper of mine at the &NOW Conference of Innovative Writing and Literary Arts. It was accepted and I am officially on my way to present my work at my first-ever literary conference (both as a presenter and as an attendee).
10. Really worked on engaging and immersing myself in new media forms for the purpose of primarily networking.
Right now I'm reading Jhumpa Lahiri's work The Interpreter of Maladies. It is a beautiful collection of short stories that in reveal the private aches and longings of various South Asian transplanted individuals. Though there are a number of comical moments in the various stories, they are woven into an overarching melancholic tone of narrative. Lahiri's book-turned-movie, The Namesake, was the first work I read, and I now see that it follows the same privately felt melancholy of its predecessors in The Interpreter of Maladies.
I recently finished The Satanic Verses, the controversial work that brought upon Salman Rushdie the fatwa. Overall, I enjoyed the fragmented and convoluted narrative(s) that break(s) down traditional views of mythology and creates new ones.
More to come later . . .
1. Committed myself to and ran a half-marathon.
2. Got a tattoo
3. Got my ear cartilage pierced
4. Wrote 76 pages of a manuscript that I do not intend on publishing. Overall, a very good foray into creative writing; it was definitely a nice change of pace from expository writing all the time.
5. Emailed Bhanu Kapil and was pleasantly surprised to find that she wrote back.
6. Got another tattoo
7. Roadtrip to Vegas (mostly as a driver)
8. Committed myself to and ran a full marathon (the day after a fairly bad car accident). Makes one appreciate being alive
9. Submitted a proposal to read a paper of mine at the &NOW Conference of Innovative Writing and Literary Arts. It was accepted and I am officially on my way to present my work at my first-ever literary conference (both as a presenter and as an attendee).
10. Really worked on engaging and immersing myself in new media forms for the purpose of primarily networking.
Right now I'm reading Jhumpa Lahiri's work The Interpreter of Maladies. It is a beautiful collection of short stories that in reveal the private aches and longings of various South Asian transplanted individuals. Though there are a number of comical moments in the various stories, they are woven into an overarching melancholic tone of narrative. Lahiri's book-turned-movie, The Namesake, was the first work I read, and I now see that it follows the same privately felt melancholy of its predecessors in The Interpreter of Maladies.
I recently finished The Satanic Verses, the controversial work that brought upon Salman Rushdie the fatwa. Overall, I enjoyed the fragmented and convoluted narrative(s) that break(s) down traditional views of mythology and creates new ones.
More to come later . . .
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Humble Pie
My dad told me many times during the past year: Don't ever go so far as to think that you're too good for anything.
Especially now.
Especially now.
Monday, March 09, 2009
To do
Fun and not so fun things on THE LIST:
1. GRE Literature Subject Exam test prep. IT'S COMING IN ABOUT 3 WEEKS. KILL ME KILL ME NOW. I'm scared, but eh, such is life.
2. Article due Thursday, meaning Wednesday night. Will I make it?
3. CD launch party on Wednesday night! (this means I need to GET MY SHIT DONE)
4. Final paper for one of my classes due on Thursday
5. re-reading Watchmen for the 4th time. BRILLIANT. I wanted to re-read it after watching the movie, which I thought was pretty effing cool.
6. re-reading The Balcony, The Crucible, some literary criticism, etc. lots of review but of good stuff.
7. Philosophy in the Bedroom. Marquis de Sade is so much fun! oh sex and philosophy, unbelievable combination, particularly for an 18th century Frenchman. The correlation between a person's view of the mechanics of society and view of sex is absolutely amazing.
8. Reviewing the anthologies
9. Finals prep
10. Enjoy the company of some truly wonderful people.
No-no List:
1. People who don't understand "no"
2. Alcohol as a crutch and then an explanation
3. Non-confrontational and passive-agressive
4. Not cleaning up messes within 48 hours, max
5. Taking advantage of others' benevolence
6. Inconveniences to larger groups of people
7. Severe back pain
8. Not being able to drink caffeine for 5 days
9. Pure, unsweetened cranberry juice. So gross and it makes me pucker like the world will end.
10. Extremely inappropriate behavior and not being sorry for it when it affects others
Oh Yes! List:
1. Venting. is. beautiful. Makes me less of a crazy person
2. Good food with excellent company
3. Learning to enjoy staying in bed
4. Unearthing the steroid cream for my eczema after thinking that I lost it in Wa DC.
5. My pillow
6. Extraordinary Desserts. They're extraordinary.
7. Rooibus Chai from Teavana
8. Blogging. It's part of my venting process, so always a good thing.
9. Apples to Apples. One of the best games ever ever EVER
10. Talking to my sister about Watchmen and being really excited.
Friday night was not my favorite night. Sunday was one of my favorites.
1. GRE Literature Subject Exam test prep. IT'S COMING IN ABOUT 3 WEEKS. KILL ME KILL ME NOW. I'm scared, but eh, such is life.
2. Article due Thursday, meaning Wednesday night. Will I make it?
3. CD launch party on Wednesday night! (this means I need to GET MY SHIT DONE)
4. Final paper for one of my classes due on Thursday
5. re-reading Watchmen for the 4th time. BRILLIANT. I wanted to re-read it after watching the movie, which I thought was pretty effing cool.
6. re-reading The Balcony, The Crucible, some literary criticism, etc. lots of review but of good stuff.
7. Philosophy in the Bedroom. Marquis de Sade is so much fun! oh sex and philosophy, unbelievable combination, particularly for an 18th century Frenchman. The correlation between a person's view of the mechanics of society and view of sex is absolutely amazing.
8. Reviewing the anthologies
9. Finals prep
10. Enjoy the company of some truly wonderful people.
No-no List:
1. People who don't understand "no"
2. Alcohol as a crutch and then an explanation
3. Non-confrontational and passive-agressive
4. Not cleaning up messes within 48 hours, max
5. Taking advantage of others' benevolence
6. Inconveniences to larger groups of people
7. Severe back pain
8. Not being able to drink caffeine for 5 days
9. Pure, unsweetened cranberry juice. So gross and it makes me pucker like the world will end.
10. Extremely inappropriate behavior and not being sorry for it when it affects others
Oh Yes! List:
1. Venting. is. beautiful. Makes me less of a crazy person
2. Good food with excellent company
3. Learning to enjoy staying in bed
4. Unearthing the steroid cream for my eczema after thinking that I lost it in Wa DC.
5. My pillow
6. Extraordinary Desserts. They're extraordinary.
7. Rooibus Chai from Teavana
8. Blogging. It's part of my venting process, so always a good thing.
9. Apples to Apples. One of the best games ever ever EVER
10. Talking to my sister about Watchmen and being really excited.
Friday night was not my favorite night. Sunday was one of my favorites.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
It's essay time, or NOT
I'm taking a class on the 18th century French and German Enlightenment this quarter with a pretty amazing professor. I have to say that it has taken about seven weeks for me to find material that I find astoundingly interesting or entertaining to read. I've read Kant's "What is Enlightenment" several times, Voltaire's Candide a couple of times, and Rousseau's First and Second Discourses once before- I'm a little over those texts. I'm easily bored with material that I don't dig.
But NOW the class is on The Sorrows of Young Werther by Goethe. It is HILARIOUS and remarkably well-written. It is such a little novel - closer to a novella - and still so well-developed. My professor remarked on how advanced the 18th century was in terms of exploring psychology (only the term "psychology" wasn't coined and used until later). Goethe is extraordinarily perceptive to the human nature and behaviors.
When I first read The Sorrows of Young Werther, I was actually repulsed by Werther's pretty writing and flowery effusiveness. He's such a passionate and deluded young man, I couldn't help disliking him. I thought his fixation on the object of his affection (Lotte) was too over-the-top to be taken seriously. This is where it's very helpful to take into context Goethe's background and the character he's created: a bourgeois young man from 18th-century Germany. Hooray for bourgeois men of letters and feelings. The work isn't lengthy at all, but offers beautiful insight into the mind of young Werther and his delusions regarding class, gender, and relationships.
Highlights of the week/end:
1. Sean Penn winning Best Actor and Dustin Lance Black winning Best Original Screenplay - both for Milk [= Their speeches were pretty amazing as well.
2. White cheddar cheez-its and vanilla coke zero and Red Hot Chili Peppers while writing
3. Reading various blogs to avoid writing essays (I'll pay for this later, I know it)
4. Elixir flavored 5 gum. It's the berry one!
5. Pomegranate Burt's Bees chapstick . . . it's much better smelling than the original I think. Whatever, it'll be lost within the next week, I just know it
6. ESPRESSO. shit this stuff is strong. I had forgotten, silly of me
7. Successful interviews with the University's young alumni! [= networking is an amazing thing.
8. Cocktail party and seeing everyone dressed up, even though being dressed up as a girl involves fun for like 15 minutes MAX before the discomfort sets in and results in a fierce burning desire to rip off the tights and stilettos and poorly-insulating dress. Guys have it good. Beauty is a pain.
9. In-class discussions about the nature of delusion in relationships and how it plays into fear of intimacy [= AND porn is no good for real intimacy, people! Not everyone can have pornstar-monstrous-boobs-and-penises-outrageous sex. This should come as no big surprise to the people who watch that stuff anyway; they're fucking themselves and not the sex god/dess on the screen.
10. Google books is a beautiful thing, period
11. Realizing that nearly everything major I do is writing-and/or-reading-oriented: my job with the the campus newspaper, my job with the alumni association (I write reports), my major, this blog, my actual journal.
12. ALMOST DONE WITH THE L WORD. I only have 3 episodes left to watch of Season 2 and I'll have watched all of the show. Well . . . minus the two episodes left to this final season. ]=
13. Danny Green is excellent with Brazilian/Latin jazz piano. Check him out at www.dannygreen.net He graduated from UC San Diego in 2004 and was recently signed onto the Pacific Coast Jazz label. Yay for up-and-coming talent getting recognized!
14. Rediscovering much loved songs
15. Good news at home or at least good news anywhere my family is. Things are looking up? I hope hope hope. Finger's crossed, stick a needle in my eye and all that stuff.
But NOW the class is on The Sorrows of Young Werther by Goethe. It is HILARIOUS and remarkably well-written. It is such a little novel - closer to a novella - and still so well-developed. My professor remarked on how advanced the 18th century was in terms of exploring psychology (only the term "psychology" wasn't coined and used until later). Goethe is extraordinarily perceptive to the human nature and behaviors.
When I first read The Sorrows of Young Werther, I was actually repulsed by Werther's pretty writing and flowery effusiveness. He's such a passionate and deluded young man, I couldn't help disliking him. I thought his fixation on the object of his affection (Lotte) was too over-the-top to be taken seriously. This is where it's very helpful to take into context Goethe's background and the character he's created: a bourgeois young man from 18th-century Germany. Hooray for bourgeois men of letters and feelings. The work isn't lengthy at all, but offers beautiful insight into the mind of young Werther and his delusions regarding class, gender, and relationships.
Highlights of the week/end:
1. Sean Penn winning Best Actor and Dustin Lance Black winning Best Original Screenplay - both for Milk [= Their speeches were pretty amazing as well.
2. White cheddar cheez-its and vanilla coke zero and Red Hot Chili Peppers while writing
3. Reading various blogs to avoid writing essays (I'll pay for this later, I know it)
4. Elixir flavored 5 gum. It's the berry one!
5. Pomegranate Burt's Bees chapstick . . . it's much better smelling than the original I think. Whatever, it'll be lost within the next week, I just know it
6. ESPRESSO. shit this stuff is strong. I had forgotten, silly of me
7. Successful interviews with the University's young alumni! [= networking is an amazing thing.
8. Cocktail party and seeing everyone dressed up, even though being dressed up as a girl involves fun for like 15 minutes MAX before the discomfort sets in and results in a fierce burning desire to rip off the tights and stilettos and poorly-insulating dress. Guys have it good. Beauty is a pain.
9. In-class discussions about the nature of delusion in relationships and how it plays into fear of intimacy [= AND porn is no good for real intimacy, people! Not everyone can have pornstar-monstrous-boobs-and-penises-outrageous sex. This should come as no big surprise to the people who watch that stuff anyway; they're fucking themselves and not the sex god/dess on the screen.
10. Google books is a beautiful thing, period
11. Realizing that nearly everything major I do is writing-and/or-reading-oriented: my job with the the campus newspaper, my job with the alumni association (I write reports), my major, this blog, my actual journal.
12. ALMOST DONE WITH THE L WORD. I only have 3 episodes left to watch of Season 2 and I'll have watched all of the show. Well . . . minus the two episodes left to this final season. ]=
13. Danny Green is excellent with Brazilian/Latin jazz piano. Check him out at www.dannygreen.net He graduated from UC San Diego in 2004 and was recently signed onto the Pacific Coast Jazz label. Yay for up-and-coming talent getting recognized!
14. Rediscovering much loved songs
15. Good news at home or at least good news anywhere my family is. Things are looking up? I hope hope hope. Finger's crossed, stick a needle in my eye and all that stuff.
Saturday, February 07, 2009
FML
Things I've been addicted to:
1. Reading those damn "25 things about me" notes on Facebook. I like reading those things; many things about my friends amuse me. However, I absolutely refuse to post one of those notes because it just seems awkward for me to post stuff for ANY one to read, even if I just tag the people that are near and dear to my heart. Creepers. I fear them. Hypocritical, I know.
2. fmylife.com <- this site is hilarious. This past week has been crazy, and this site + failblog.org make me feel better, among some other things and some people.
3. articles from feministing.com ; there was a post this past week with a picture of two very happy looking people wearing tshirts that said "ex-masturbator". apparently there's a group that makes a whole line of these kinds of tshirts - "ex-diva", "ex-hypocrite", "ex-atheist", etc. My favorite? "ex-fornicator", hands down. To anyone who has that shirt, I'd just love to ask, "So when did sex stop being fun?"
4. Really rich hot chocolate. I'm pro at making this stuff from scatch. Not the milk or the chocolate, but the hot chocolate. No powdered stuff for me!
5. The L Word. I. Love. This. Show. I found a site where I can watch all the episodes and I'm so addicted it's not even funny. And I have a crush on Shane. And maybe Bette. But definitely Shane.
Complications:
1. Family - the usual and the not so usual.
2. Still feeling burnt out from last quarter.
3. Feeling hopelessly frustrated writing sometimes and sometimes all the time.
4. Experiencing feelings/emotions that scare me.
5. I keep eating nuts and sometimes stuff with eggs and even mushrooms even though I'm supposed to stay away. And then I develop rashes that bug the shit out of me. Damn.
I ran to the place where books are stacked glass
Reflecting the marbled sky
-Cornflower blue peeping from behind
Unbleached spun sugar cotton- Freedom!
I took a turn and headed for the canyon.
As I descended I was met with a vision of flaming orange yellow,
Lightly veiled by the descending curtain of tears from the clouds above,
Blessing the hills with a last glorious touch.
I wished I could fly to that distant horizon,
Succeeding where Icarus failed.
But I had not even his courage - fearing the impossible heights and the impossible fall-
And ran, half drowned in regret, back to my four-walled prison
1. Reading those damn "25 things about me" notes on Facebook. I like reading those things; many things about my friends amuse me. However, I absolutely refuse to post one of those notes because it just seems awkward for me to post stuff for ANY one to read, even if I just tag the people that are near and dear to my heart. Creepers. I fear them. Hypocritical, I know.
2. fmylife.com <- this site is hilarious. This past week has been crazy, and this site + failblog.org make me feel better, among some other things and some people.
3. articles from feministing.com ; there was a post this past week with a picture of two very happy looking people wearing tshirts that said "ex-masturbator". apparently there's a group that makes a whole line of these kinds of tshirts - "ex-diva", "ex-hypocrite", "ex-atheist", etc. My favorite? "ex-fornicator", hands down. To anyone who has that shirt, I'd just love to ask, "So when did sex stop being fun?"
4. Really rich hot chocolate. I'm pro at making this stuff from scatch. Not the milk or the chocolate, but the hot chocolate. No powdered stuff for me!
5. The L Word. I. Love. This. Show. I found a site where I can watch all the episodes and I'm so addicted it's not even funny. And I have a crush on Shane. And maybe Bette. But definitely Shane.
Complications:
1. Family - the usual and the not so usual.
2. Still feeling burnt out from last quarter.
3. Feeling hopelessly frustrated writing sometimes and sometimes all the time.
4. Experiencing feelings/emotions that scare me.
5. I keep eating nuts and sometimes stuff with eggs and even mushrooms even though I'm supposed to stay away. And then I develop rashes that bug the shit out of me. Damn.
I ran to the place where books are stacked glass
Reflecting the marbled sky
-Cornflower blue peeping from behind
Unbleached spun sugar cotton- Freedom!
I took a turn and headed for the canyon.
As I descended I was met with a vision of flaming orange yellow,
Lightly veiled by the descending curtain of tears from the clouds above,
Blessing the hills with a last glorious touch.
I wished I could fly to that distant horizon,
Succeeding where Icarus failed.
But I had not even his courage - fearing the impossible heights and the impossible fall-
And ran, half drowned in regret, back to my four-walled prison
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
New Year's Hit List
Before I dive into my list of things to do this year, allow me to update my vacation reading...
I FINALLY read Story of the Eye by Georges Bataille. I had absolutely no idea of what it is about. Turns out its basically about the sexual explorations and violations by adolescents. Its great and liberating, like all things that don't obey rules, and the writing is lovely despite its incredibly graphic content. But there's some pretty kinky sex in this book and I can't say that I'm particularly a fan of that stuff for myself. Also not a fan of rape. But I'm infinitely less offended by the word "cunt". Not recommended for those that are easily offended, though it'd be great to decolonize some minds.
I'm still in the middle of The Shock Doctrine by Naomi Klein. Lovely stuff, but long and depressing. I am harboring a growing grudge against capitalism and aggressive, manifest-destiny-like nature.
I'm also not done yet with Bitch: In Praise of Difficult Women by Elizabeth Wurtzel. I love Wurtzel's worship of bad, and fabulously interesting women. I can identify with so much of what this woman writes! I recommend it for anyone. Really. It's not just for feminists.
A doctor's visit this morning informed me that my eczema situation has gotten progressively worse and now I should avoid the following things:
1. seafood
2. bamboo
3. mushrooms
4. eggs
5. nuts
6. jewelry that is less than 14k gold
7. all lotions aside from aveeno, cetaphil and sarna
8. all soaps aside from aveeno, cetaphil and dial
9. stress, if possible
10. sleep deprivation, if possible
Maybe I should just be vegan. Oh but the CHEESE!! and it's difficult enough already when eating out. ]=
Looking back on 2008, there were so many good memories. Here are the highlights:
1. Running a half-marathon
2. Writing pages and pages of word vomit all summer. To be edited next summer.
3. My first tattoo
4. Getting a cartilage piercing
5. Visiting the Steinbeck Center and his house in Salinas
6. Taking Anna Joy Springer's Contemporary Feminist Literature class
7. Crossfading for the first time and then writing while still in my altered state. Really cool weird stuff came out
8. Reading tons of Beat Generation stuff: Curso's poems, Ginsberg's poems, Kerouac's poems and books, and Burroughs' books.
9. My column
10. Seeing and hearing Melody Gardot live
11. Spontaneous and even reckless decisions that I don't regret at all
12. Interning for APALI
13. Essay grading parties
14. My second tattoo
15. Making fabulous new friends
16. My Crackberry
17. Rachael Yamagata's new cd.
18. Calling and emailing Bhanu Kapil and her actually writing back to me
19. Discovering City Lights Bookstore and visiting the Beat Museum
20. Protesting Prop 8 in Hillcrest (multiple times) and on campus.
OKOK time for my New Year's Hit List (I don't believe in resolutions, they don't work):
1. Go Sky-Diving
2. Figure out how to be Zen
3. Read more (all) of David Sedaris' Stuff
4. Learn all I can about experimental writing during the summer. Try it out too
5. Get a drastically different hairstyle and love it
6. Learn all I can about Carolyn Cassady, wife of Neal Cassady and friend of Allen Ginsberg and sometimes lover of Jack Kerouac
7. Run my first marathon in 4:15 or less
8. Find a muse
9. Edit last summer's writing
10. Write more weird poems
11. Heal a few relationships that have fallen apart this past year
12. Visit the place where Neal Cassady used to live in Los Gatos. The house was demolished in 1997 and the Monte Sereno community was completely unaware of its historical value. Sad. 18231 Bancroft Ave. Maybe I'll visit it the day before I leave for San Diego.
13. Enjoy the Presidential Inauguration. What an experience! 17 days until I'm in DC for the spectacle
14. Practice and learn more italian on my own.
15. Listen to more Italian music
16. Do well on my GRE exams. I'm particularly worried about the Subject Exam for Literature in English. Fabulous.
17. Try decorating the walls of my room. My ugly pink walls. The only saving grace of the room is the fact that it basically a miniature library.
18. Find and visit more dead author's houses
19. Work on the graduate school plans (applications)
20. Enjoy being 21 (in April)
It's going to be a good year.
I FINALLY read Story of the Eye by Georges Bataille. I had absolutely no idea of what it is about. Turns out its basically about the sexual explorations and violations by adolescents. Its great and liberating, like all things that don't obey rules, and the writing is lovely despite its incredibly graphic content. But there's some pretty kinky sex in this book and I can't say that I'm particularly a fan of that stuff for myself. Also not a fan of rape. But I'm infinitely less offended by the word "cunt". Not recommended for those that are easily offended, though it'd be great to decolonize some minds.
I'm still in the middle of The Shock Doctrine by Naomi Klein. Lovely stuff, but long and depressing. I am harboring a growing grudge against capitalism and aggressive, manifest-destiny-like nature.
I'm also not done yet with Bitch: In Praise of Difficult Women by Elizabeth Wurtzel. I love Wurtzel's worship of bad, and fabulously interesting women. I can identify with so much of what this woman writes! I recommend it for anyone. Really. It's not just for feminists.
A doctor's visit this morning informed me that my eczema situation has gotten progressively worse and now I should avoid the following things:
1. seafood
2. bamboo
3. mushrooms
4. eggs
5. nuts
6. jewelry that is less than 14k gold
7. all lotions aside from aveeno, cetaphil and sarna
8. all soaps aside from aveeno, cetaphil and dial
9. stress, if possible
10. sleep deprivation, if possible
Maybe I should just be vegan. Oh but the CHEESE!! and it's difficult enough already when eating out. ]=
Looking back on 2008, there were so many good memories. Here are the highlights:
1. Running a half-marathon
2. Writing pages and pages of word vomit all summer. To be edited next summer.
3. My first tattoo
4. Getting a cartilage piercing
5. Visiting the Steinbeck Center and his house in Salinas
6. Taking Anna Joy Springer's Contemporary Feminist Literature class
7. Crossfading for the first time and then writing while still in my altered state. Really cool weird stuff came out
8. Reading tons of Beat Generation stuff: Curso's poems, Ginsberg's poems, Kerouac's poems and books, and Burroughs' books.
9. My column
10. Seeing and hearing Melody Gardot live
11. Spontaneous and even reckless decisions that I don't regret at all
12. Interning for APALI
13. Essay grading parties
14. My second tattoo
15. Making fabulous new friends
16. My Crackberry
17. Rachael Yamagata's new cd.
18. Calling and emailing Bhanu Kapil and her actually writing back to me
19. Discovering City Lights Bookstore and visiting the Beat Museum
20. Protesting Prop 8 in Hillcrest (multiple times) and on campus.
OKOK time for my New Year's Hit List (I don't believe in resolutions, they don't work):
1. Go Sky-Diving
2. Figure out how to be Zen
3. Read more (all) of David Sedaris' Stuff
4. Learn all I can about experimental writing during the summer. Try it out too
5. Get a drastically different hairstyle and love it
6. Learn all I can about Carolyn Cassady, wife of Neal Cassady and friend of Allen Ginsberg and sometimes lover of Jack Kerouac
7. Run my first marathon in 4:15 or less
8. Find a muse
9. Edit last summer's writing
10. Write more weird poems
11. Heal a few relationships that have fallen apart this past year
12. Visit the place where Neal Cassady used to live in Los Gatos. The house was demolished in 1997 and the Monte Sereno community was completely unaware of its historical value. Sad. 18231 Bancroft Ave. Maybe I'll visit it the day before I leave for San Diego.
13. Enjoy the Presidential Inauguration. What an experience! 17 days until I'm in DC for the spectacle
14. Practice and learn more italian on my own.
15. Listen to more Italian music
16. Do well on my GRE exams. I'm particularly worried about the Subject Exam for Literature in English. Fabulous.
17. Try decorating the walls of my room. My ugly pink walls. The only saving grace of the room is the fact that it basically a miniature library.
18. Find and visit more dead author's houses
19. Work on the graduate school plans (applications)
20. Enjoy being 21 (in April)
It's going to be a good year.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Vacation = Me time
post-finals week:
1. sleep like a bear. sleeping more than 4 hours a night?! unheard of! feels good though
2. too much free time that i squander online when im not out socializing
3. cold. very cold. freezing up north. whopping 42 degrees in the sun in the middle of the day. by my aversion for the cold (though it gets much much colder in other places), one would think i'm cold-blooded. no wonder i chose a socal college.
4. worried about my grades. as usual. get a grip. nerd.
5. meeting up with friends and characters
6. odd discussions with my parents
7. freaking out about future plans yet again
8. pondering over whether or not to get that tattoo
9. strange desire to pierce my eyebrow
10. longer runs
i've read two books so far:
Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell. Not my favorite. I enjoyed Blink and The Tipping Point a good deal more. I feel as though Gladwell's quest to break down simplistic acceptance of the existence of "outliers" (aka incredible success stories) is marred by the fact that he provides another formula that simplifies success as the perfect cocktail of opportunities, family dynamics/ideals, cultural backgrounds, and the like - though this formula does require a significantly greater amount of thinking and analysis of the outlier's situation. While he makes quite a few good points, Gladwell also falls into the sad little trap of stereotyping, or reaffirming certain stereotypes about certain racial/ethnic groups. Mr. Gladwell, not all Asians are Chinese/Korean/Japanese, thank you. Overall, an entertaining read. Makes you think a little bit, or a lot. But still not enough.
Mildred Pierce by James M. Cain. I've been introduced to another fantastic villainness! I love the really sick mother-daughter relationship in this book. I watched the movie adaptation of the novel just a little over a month ago and it really was quite entertaining and fascinating . . . I quickly learned to hate Veda, Mildred's daughter. Anyway, the book version is quite different, but Mildred's unrelenting quest to please her insatiable daughter is roughly the same, even magnified in the novel. Daughters are cruel, I will say that much.
Next on the list is Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris. I've been told to read David Sedaris' stuff for ages now, I just haven't really done so. There is always too much to read. Well, I'm finally getting around to it, and I am really very excited.
1. sleep like a bear. sleeping more than 4 hours a night?! unheard of! feels good though
2. too much free time that i squander online when im not out socializing
3. cold. very cold. freezing up north. whopping 42 degrees in the sun in the middle of the day. by my aversion for the cold (though it gets much much colder in other places), one would think i'm cold-blooded. no wonder i chose a socal college.
4. worried about my grades. as usual. get a grip. nerd.
5. meeting up with friends and characters
6. odd discussions with my parents
7. freaking out about future plans yet again
8. pondering over whether or not to get that tattoo
9. strange desire to pierce my eyebrow
10. longer runs
i've read two books so far:
Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell. Not my favorite. I enjoyed Blink and The Tipping Point a good deal more. I feel as though Gladwell's quest to break down simplistic acceptance of the existence of "outliers" (aka incredible success stories) is marred by the fact that he provides another formula that simplifies success as the perfect cocktail of opportunities, family dynamics/ideals, cultural backgrounds, and the like - though this formula does require a significantly greater amount of thinking and analysis of the outlier's situation. While he makes quite a few good points, Gladwell also falls into the sad little trap of stereotyping, or reaffirming certain stereotypes about certain racial/ethnic groups. Mr. Gladwell, not all Asians are Chinese/Korean/Japanese, thank you. Overall, an entertaining read. Makes you think a little bit, or a lot. But still not enough.
Mildred Pierce by James M. Cain. I've been introduced to another fantastic villainness! I love the really sick mother-daughter relationship in this book. I watched the movie adaptation of the novel just a little over a month ago and it really was quite entertaining and fascinating . . . I quickly learned to hate Veda, Mildred's daughter. Anyway, the book version is quite different, but Mildred's unrelenting quest to please her insatiable daughter is roughly the same, even magnified in the novel. Daughters are cruel, I will say that much.
Next on the list is Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris. I've been told to read David Sedaris' stuff for ages now, I just haven't really done so. There is always too much to read. Well, I'm finally getting around to it, and I am really very excited.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
well damn
stewing:
1. finals. i'm done with 3 and still have 3 more.
2. watchmen
3. my fucking big mouth
4. stomach discomforts
5. citrus-scented candles
6. accidents that guarantee good finals
7. relativism. sucks.
8. love jon stewart he's hilarious
9. stephen colbert's christmas cd
10. burnt out
11. milk is an amazing movie.
12. left out
13. kissing ass
14. long runs that make me feel less tense
15. soft blankets
16. losing weight in a bad way
17. unsuccessful naps
18. well-meaning friends
19. fight club
20. outliers
the mournful tolling crash of the waves
c r a w l
to embrace the reluctant flesh of earth
that does not love him.
Though his insistent grasp
sslllooowwwlllyyyy
wears down her stony face,
she remains insoluble
and
settles
down
below the tumultuous and insatiable surface,
f/r/a/g/m/e/n/t/e/d and weary
1. finals. i'm done with 3 and still have 3 more.
2. watchmen
3. my fucking big mouth
4. stomach discomforts
5. citrus-scented candles
6. accidents that guarantee good finals
7. relativism. sucks.
8. love jon stewart he's hilarious
9. stephen colbert's christmas cd
10. burnt out
11. milk is an amazing movie.
12. left out
13. kissing ass
14. long runs that make me feel less tense
15. soft blankets
16. losing weight in a bad way
17. unsuccessful naps
18. well-meaning friends
19. fight club
20. outliers
the mournful tolling crash of the waves
c r a w l
to embrace the reluctant flesh of earth
that does not love him.
Though his insistent grasp
sslllooowwwlllyyyy
wears down her stony face,
she remains insoluble
and
settles
down
below the tumultuous and insatiable surface,
f/r/a/g/m/e/n/t/e/d and weary
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Procrastination Condition
On my mind (it's a mixed bag):
1. Hans Zimmer. Fucking genius. I want an ounce of that talent. I've been listening to his stuff on repeat again.
2. finding out stuff I'd really rather not know
3. light rain
4. burritos from trujillos
5. essay writing in spurts. not always the most productive, but at least a little?
6. twilight-obsessed people. not a huge fan. sorry. only not.
7. seasonal mood disorder.
8. prop 4 and 8. for the record, I am adamantly against both.
8. essays
10. long-ass meetings that I am not entirely sure I care about.
11. getting calls from people I'd rather not talk to
12. soup
13. soy dogs. I'm vegetarian and have been for a while. soy-meat tastes like meat to me. delicious!
14. canvas bags. brilliant! I hate collecting plastic bags anyway
15. clumsy fingers. I need to practice piano so much more.
16. trying to solve problems that aren't mine.
17. responsibilities. being grownup.
18. sleep deprivation and then sleeping in hella more than intended. I hate sleeping in with a passion.
19. worrying about stuff in the future that I really can't control. damn my control-freak tweaking!
20. fight club. <3 edward norton.
21. my crackberry. it's so addicting. it is seriously technology meets crack.
22. activism!
23. hillcrest, the "berkeley of san diego". I could be more than ok with living there.
24. hot wax falling on skin
25. the smell of clean laundry
For those who can't;
For a future you believe in;
For choice;
For equality;
For the sake of stopping injustice;
For preserving your privilege;
For giving others privilege;
For those that choose to stay ignorant;
For change;
For hope;
For new beginnings;
For life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
Just vote.
Mostly because you CAN make a difference.
NOV 4th is ELECTION DAY. Get off your asses and vote. Don't vote, then don't bitch about stuff that ends up passing (or not passing). Whatever the outcome at the end of the day, IT DOES AFFECT YOU.
1. Hans Zimmer. Fucking genius. I want an ounce of that talent. I've been listening to his stuff on repeat again.
2. finding out stuff I'd really rather not know
3. light rain
4. burritos from trujillos
5. essay writing in spurts. not always the most productive, but at least a little?
6. twilight-obsessed people. not a huge fan. sorry. only not.
7. seasonal mood disorder.
8. prop 4 and 8. for the record, I am adamantly against both.
8. essays
10. long-ass meetings that I am not entirely sure I care about.
11. getting calls from people I'd rather not talk to
12. soup
13. soy dogs. I'm vegetarian and have been for a while. soy-meat tastes like meat to me. delicious!
14. canvas bags. brilliant! I hate collecting plastic bags anyway
15. clumsy fingers. I need to practice piano so much more.
16. trying to solve problems that aren't mine.
17. responsibilities. being grownup.
18. sleep deprivation and then sleeping in hella more than intended. I hate sleeping in with a passion.
19. worrying about stuff in the future that I really can't control. damn my control-freak tweaking!
20. fight club. <3 edward norton.
21. my crackberry. it's so addicting. it is seriously technology meets crack.
22. activism!
23. hillcrest, the "berkeley of san diego". I could be more than ok with living there.
24. hot wax falling on skin
25. the smell of clean laundry
For those who can't;
For a future you believe in;
For choice;
For equality;
For the sake of stopping injustice;
For preserving your privilege;
For giving others privilege;
For those that choose to stay ignorant;
For change;
For hope;
For new beginnings;
For life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
Just vote.
Mostly because you CAN make a difference.
NOV 4th is ELECTION DAY. Get off your asses and vote. Don't vote, then don't bitch about stuff that ends up passing (or not passing). Whatever the outcome at the end of the day, IT DOES AFFECT YOU.
Saturday, November 01, 2008
High
Obsessions:
1. contexts
2. sour patch kids or watermelons candy - i really don't care if they're awful for me
3. toblerone chocolate. dark. smooth. mmmmm.
4. spontaneity in all its forms
5. curry. i've been cooking it for the past hour. it smells warm in the kitchen
6. red lipstick. glamorous!
7. dark nail polishes. i'm currently wearing "bordeaux"
8. red wines
9. sleep (quality not quantity)
10. cancelled sections.
1. contexts
2. sour patch kids or watermelons candy - i really don't care if they're awful for me
3. toblerone chocolate. dark. smooth. mmmmm.
4. spontaneity in all its forms
5. curry. i've been cooking it for the past hour. it smells warm in the kitchen
6. red lipstick. glamorous!
7. dark nail polishes. i'm currently wearing "bordeaux"
8. red wines
9. sleep (quality not quantity)
10. cancelled sections.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Feeling: Melancholy
I am a sponge for emotion;
I drink in anything.
Why is mania always followed by such a heavy gloom?
Loneliness and isolation.
I'm surrounded by a heavy mist and I can't see.
Everything's fuzzy and distorted
And me the same.
It doesn't really get better for forever.
Just a little more predictable when it doesn't.
poor choices:
1. Drinking on empty stomach. I do this too often with disastrous effects. I can drink quite a bit and be fine if I eat, but if I don't then I'm a tragic mess.
2. Being a flake. I've let a friend down because I was busy being a tragic poor-choice mess. It makes me feel shitty because I don't like flakes very much. Kind of angry at myself.
3. Freaking myself out, especially over little things.
4. Letting myself become a distracted mess. Can't focus. Can't think. I feel like I have ADD or something in my head. There's too much energy bouncing around inside me.
5. Me a mess.
I don't want to do anything except run and play the piano and write poems in spanish.
I drink in anything.
Why is mania always followed by such a heavy gloom?
Loneliness and isolation.
I'm surrounded by a heavy mist and I can't see.
Everything's fuzzy and distorted
And me the same.
It doesn't really get better for forever.
Just a little more predictable when it doesn't.
poor choices:
1. Drinking on empty stomach. I do this too often with disastrous effects. I can drink quite a bit and be fine if I eat, but if I don't then I'm a tragic mess.
2. Being a flake. I've let a friend down because I was busy being a tragic poor-choice mess. It makes me feel shitty because I don't like flakes very much. Kind of angry at myself.
3. Freaking myself out, especially over little things.
4. Letting myself become a distracted mess. Can't focus. Can't think. I feel like I have ADD or something in my head. There's too much energy bouncing around inside me.
5. Me a mess.
I don't want to do anything except run and play the piano and write poems in spanish.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Hates:
1. Not being 21 and therefore not being able to watch jazz shows in bars.
2. Overanalysis. I beat everything to death in my head
3. Plucking my eyebrows. fucking hurts. That's why I avoid doing it for weeks at a time. Not that I think I ever look spectacular with really "done" eyebrows.
4. Using the UCSD proxy server in order to get stuff from online electronic reserves. Then I have to approve all these sites and keep on signing into whatever. Tedious and rather lame.
5. People who think that Obama is a Marxist and "the antichrist" (I really heard that at the Little Italy Festa this weekend). And is Marx considered to be that terrible of a thinker/writer nowadays?
Thank goodness for:
1. Pandora
2. My guitar
3. My eczema fading away
4. Michael Buble and Harry Connick Jr. and Diana Krall and (always) Rachael Yamagata. They sing to my heart
5. Ravioli . . . SO GOOD. hard to make from scratch, but so good to eat.
6. Ice cream in the morning for breakfast
7. Cold mornings (I like being in the warm cocoon of my blankets)
8. Anthropologie . . it is SO DANGEROUS TO SHOP THERE. Everything is something I want to take home with me. That store takes too much of my money and my love.
9. Brown: chocolate, some pretty eyes, autumn, tree bark, nutella, brunettes, beautifully finished wood, good bread
10. The nice little note tags tied to the branches of a eucalyptus tree outside of Geisel. They made me smile when I discovered them today. Some people looked at me funny when they saw me looking through the leaves and branches of the tree. I just smiled at them and kept looking because I didn't care. For that matter I really like not caring about strangers thinking that I'm weird.
Being as anal as I am . . . I need to have multiples of five for each list and also I prefer to have more positives than negatives.
A Monday Night Moon
Do you see that big full moon?
Do you see how close it is?
It is calling my name,
Pulling me towards its soft glow
Like the waves that dance in celebration at twilight.
At this cusp of the two arcs
Of my youth breaking against my adulthood
I'm trying to dig the rapturous chaos of it all.
Life is pandemonium and
I'm starting to dig it for the first time.
I'm following the moonlight,
Obeying its irresistible call,
Just like he told me to.
I'm dancing at the breaking point.
The madness is showing, I promise.
1. Not being 21 and therefore not being able to watch jazz shows in bars.
2. Overanalysis. I beat everything to death in my head
3. Plucking my eyebrows. fucking hurts. That's why I avoid doing it for weeks at a time. Not that I think I ever look spectacular with really "done" eyebrows.
4. Using the UCSD proxy server in order to get stuff from online electronic reserves. Then I have to approve all these sites and keep on signing into whatever. Tedious and rather lame.
5. People who think that Obama is a Marxist and "the antichrist" (I really heard that at the Little Italy Festa this weekend). And is Marx considered to be that terrible of a thinker/writer nowadays?
Thank goodness for:
1. Pandora
2. My guitar
3. My eczema fading away
4. Michael Buble and Harry Connick Jr. and Diana Krall and (always) Rachael Yamagata. They sing to my heart
5. Ravioli . . . SO GOOD. hard to make from scratch, but so good to eat.
6. Ice cream in the morning for breakfast
7. Cold mornings (I like being in the warm cocoon of my blankets)
8. Anthropologie . . it is SO DANGEROUS TO SHOP THERE. Everything is something I want to take home with me. That store takes too much of my money and my love.
9. Brown: chocolate, some pretty eyes, autumn, tree bark, nutella, brunettes, beautifully finished wood, good bread
10. The nice little note tags tied to the branches of a eucalyptus tree outside of Geisel. They made me smile when I discovered them today. Some people looked at me funny when they saw me looking through the leaves and branches of the tree. I just smiled at them and kept looking because I didn't care. For that matter I really like not caring about strangers thinking that I'm weird.
Being as anal as I am . . . I need to have multiples of five for each list and also I prefer to have more positives than negatives.
A Monday Night Moon
Do you see that big full moon?
Do you see how close it is?
It is calling my name,
Pulling me towards its soft glow
Like the waves that dance in celebration at twilight.
At this cusp of the two arcs
Of my youth breaking against my adulthood
I'm trying to dig the rapturous chaos of it all.
Life is pandemonium and
I'm starting to dig it for the first time.
I'm following the moonlight,
Obeying its irresistible call,
Just like he told me to.
I'm dancing at the breaking point.
The madness is showing, I promise.
Friday, October 10, 2008
List Day
TWO lists today, not just one! What a cool Friday
I'll start with the dislikes just to get them out of the way:
1. long-ass school days. I feel as though I'm on campus for forever Mon-Thurs. Friday isn't nearly as bad. But by the end of the week I'm just a tad sick of seeing the campus.
2. feeling sleep-deprived
3. being scared of being behind in my classes and it's only week 2.
4. running out of apple-caramel lollipops
5. sitting through long meetings
6. seeing my money go toward bills
7. moldy cheese
8. the nasty ass huge spiders that are about as plentiful as weeds here.
9. being tired and subsequently forgetful and constantly leaving articles of clothing in classrooms.
10. forgetting that fridays are vocab quiz days in italian.
11. people [from the Koala] who decide that the old student center bathrooms are good places to have awkward sounding sex
12. being left out
13. talks that don't go anywhere
14. the fact that i haven't been writing for myself recently
15. feeling as though i'm not as smart or intense as some people in my classes.
now for the likes:
1. vanilla soy chais from pretty much anywhere except for perks. iced. hot. love it. period.
2. black nail polish for my toenails
3. good laughs in the office wednesday night
4. the office. <3 dwight
5. good discussions with people about books and ideas and things
6. blueberry scones
7. friendly people with big smiles
8. finally getting off the waitlist and into my italian composition class
9. saying it like it is and how i mean
10. pumpkin spice hershey kisses. i think that they are amazzzziinnnggg
11. fuji apples
12. naked superfood. people think it that it probably tastes terrible because it's green and looks kind of thick goopy gross. but really it tastes amazing and delicious and is fab for you.
13. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vtHwWReGU0
14. blue back and grey
15. the fact that i can check my email on my phone
16. scribbling in cursive
17. indian, greek jewelry
18. rachael yamagata's new cd
19. the way my hair is right now
20. wearing really high heeled/platform shoes to change up my perspective.
Time totally flew by. Week 2 is already done and there are only 8 more weeks to actually really learn the stuff that's lying in piles on the floor, in my backpack, all over my two bookshelves and desk.
I think I should write poetry.
I'll start with the dislikes just to get them out of the way:
1. long-ass school days. I feel as though I'm on campus for forever Mon-Thurs. Friday isn't nearly as bad. But by the end of the week I'm just a tad sick of seeing the campus.
2. feeling sleep-deprived
3. being scared of being behind in my classes and it's only week 2.
4. running out of apple-caramel lollipops
5. sitting through long meetings
6. seeing my money go toward bills
7. moldy cheese
8. the nasty ass huge spiders that are about as plentiful as weeds here.
9. being tired and subsequently forgetful and constantly leaving articles of clothing in classrooms.
10. forgetting that fridays are vocab quiz days in italian.
11. people [from the Koala] who decide that the old student center bathrooms are good places to have awkward sounding sex
12. being left out
13. talks that don't go anywhere
14. the fact that i haven't been writing for myself recently
15. feeling as though i'm not as smart or intense as some people in my classes.
now for the likes:
1. vanilla soy chais from pretty much anywhere except for perks. iced. hot. love it. period.
2. black nail polish for my toenails
3. good laughs in the office wednesday night
4. the office. <3 dwight
5. good discussions with people about books and ideas and things
6. blueberry scones
7. friendly people with big smiles
8. finally getting off the waitlist and into my italian composition class
9. saying it like it is and how i mean
10. pumpkin spice hershey kisses. i think that they are amazzzziinnnggg
11. fuji apples
12. naked superfood. people think it that it probably tastes terrible because it's green and looks kind of thick goopy gross. but really it tastes amazing and delicious and is fab for you.
13. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vtHwWReGU0
14. blue back and grey
15. the fact that i can check my email on my phone
16. scribbling in cursive
17. indian, greek jewelry
18. rachael yamagata's new cd
19. the way my hair is right now
20. wearing really high heeled/platform shoes to change up my perspective.
Time totally flew by. Week 2 is already done and there are only 8 more weeks to actually really learn the stuff that's lying in piles on the floor, in my backpack, all over my two bookshelves and desk.
I think I should write poetry.
Sunday, October 05, 2008
Another Day, Another List
More things I'm diggin':
1. ice cream in the morning
2. a really good run when its cloudy and just a tad chilly
3. red and orange ink
4. finishing a journal . . . ending a chapter of my life if you will
5. good blogs. you learn so much about a person from whathe/she writes (or doesn't write)
6. my italian conversation class. my ta is the cutest person alive. i sense a developing girl crush
7. ironman and forgetting sarah marshall.
8. developing an unhealthy addiction to my new blackberry pearl
9. cheese
10. getting checks
11. my mint green sheets and pillow cases
12. Guardian pens. i love the damn things, and now i know where to find them in the Guardian office!!!!
13. late nights at the Guardian. everything becomes funny
14. talking to a stranger about heavy stuff and not having her freak out over the extremities of my personality
15. finding out that my apartmentmate draws hands really well . . . i love hands. not in a weird fetish sort of way, of course. i think as a musician, i think about hands a lot and the way they move to create beauty.
1. ice cream in the morning
2. a really good run when its cloudy and just a tad chilly
3. red and orange ink
4. finishing a journal . . . ending a chapter of my life if you will
5. good blogs. you learn so much about a person from whathe/she writes (or doesn't write)
6. my italian conversation class. my ta is the cutest person alive. i sense a developing girl crush
7. ironman and forgetting sarah marshall.
8. developing an unhealthy addiction to my new blackberry pearl
9. cheese
10. getting checks
11. my mint green sheets and pillow cases
12. Guardian pens. i love the damn things, and now i know where to find them in the Guardian office!!!!
13. late nights at the Guardian. everything becomes funny
14. talking to a stranger about heavy stuff and not having her freak out over the extremities of my personality
15. finding out that my apartmentmate draws hands really well . . . i love hands. not in a weird fetish sort of way, of course. i think as a musician, i think about hands a lot and the way they move to create beauty.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Everyone knows I'm in over my head . . .
(I know, lame of me to title today's blog post after a song by The Fray that was freakishly overplayed on the radio 2-3 years ago.)
I had the brilliant idea of taking six classes this quarter, which isn't too bad, quite honestly, in some respects. I couldn't get Spanish Lit jammed into my schedule, so I decided to take up learning Italian! WHOOHOOO new language!!!
The problem, actually, is that one of my classes is literary theory and has - I swear on upon my bibles which are currently (because my literary bibles tend to change) Pablo Neruda's Twenty Love Poems and A Song of Despair and Allen Ginsberg's Howl and Other Poems - made me somewhat want to melt into a tragic puddle of goo like the Wicked Witch of the West (Poor Elphaba! I rather liked her in Wicked). This theory stuff is so lost on me and I FEEL like a tragic puddle of goo in my head. My grey matter has been beaten to a pulp trying to figure out the significance of poetics and linguistics and chronology and deconstruction.
Because I've maxed out on units for this quarter, I won't be doing any research with one of the lit professors on campus, like I had originally planned. It works out though, because she really doesn't need much help with anything until winter quarter, when I should be taking less classes. Not should. Will be taking less classes. I need to preserve SOME of my sanity.
Right now I should be reading, but I've been in class so long today that I think I need a break to blog and muse and obsess over silly things. Things like WHEN I'LL GET A WORKING PHONE. I wish I could find Professor Springer from last quarter so that I can tell her how much I am a cyborg now. One little piece of technology dies on me, and I feel as though I've lost my thumb or something. Suddenly, I feel more vulnerable and less competent to go about my daily business. That's ok, my laptop survived my aqueous tragedy, so I can obsessively email. See, Professor? There goes my ridiculous cyborg self, adapting with more technology!
Here's a list of my current obsessions:
1. Apple-Caramel lollipops
2. Vanilla Soy Chai from the Mandeville Coffee Cart
3. Really out-there nail polish names (my nails are currently painted "Skin Tight Denim Creme")
4. Fleurs de Cerisier perfume from L'Occitane
5. Certain colognes. I think my favorite is Giorgio Armani Black Code. During the summer I would spray the cologne on the sample strips from the fragrance section in the mall so that I could use them as bookmarks. The salesladies thought I was shopping for a scent for my boyfriend or something. Oh how wrong they were/are!
6. Bhanu Kapil's lists. I LOVE READING HER BLOG. I'm such a stalker on the internet, only not really. I justify my behavior in my head.
7. Feeling terribly embarrassed that Sarah Palin is the best woman McCain thought to take on. Her interviews with Katie Couric and the SNL skits are hilarious. If I didn't laugh at her, I don't know how I would deal with her ridiculousness.
8. Runs in the morning before the heat hits
9. Reading, while curled up in bed (who am I kidding, this is ALWAYS an obsession)
10. Epic movie soundtracks while I run (ie Gladiator, Lord of the Rings, The Dark Knight, etc) . It makes me feel like I'm going into battle or something.
11. BIC ball-point pens. Cheap and awesome
12. Guardian pens. It's a pity I've lost like 3 of them. They write super well too.
13. Eating dinner foods in the morning and breakfast foods at night
14. Throwing my clean laundry on the bed, only to jump in it and inhale all the good detergent smells
15. http://postsecretfrance.blogspot.com
16. Talking to people I don't know. (It's more acceptable at the beginning of the year when everyone's starting fresh again, and therefore more ok with awkward introductions.)
17. The colors green (like a foresty, dusky or mint green) and red and orange
18. Butterfly-shaped crackers (it makes me feel like I'm 5, and I love it . . even though I don't actually like butterflies.)
19. People-watching around campus on the buses/shuttles
20. Catching up with some of my favorite professors from before, and also a couple of TA's that are still around.
That was quite an extensive list. I was going to stop at 10 at first, but then I came up with a few more. And I had to stop at a multiple of 5 because nonmultiples of 5 tend to irk me. Particularly odd numbers. I tend to think that numbers like 11 and 17 and 19 are just too awkward to have. I'm awkward
I had the brilliant idea of taking six classes this quarter, which isn't too bad, quite honestly, in some respects. I couldn't get Spanish Lit jammed into my schedule, so I decided to take up learning Italian! WHOOHOOO new language!!!
The problem, actually, is that one of my classes is literary theory and has - I swear on upon my bibles which are currently (because my literary bibles tend to change) Pablo Neruda's Twenty Love Poems and A Song of Despair and Allen Ginsberg's Howl and Other Poems - made me somewhat want to melt into a tragic puddle of goo like the Wicked Witch of the West (Poor Elphaba! I rather liked her in Wicked). This theory stuff is so lost on me and I FEEL like a tragic puddle of goo in my head. My grey matter has been beaten to a pulp trying to figure out the significance of poetics and linguistics and chronology and deconstruction.
Because I've maxed out on units for this quarter, I won't be doing any research with one of the lit professors on campus, like I had originally planned. It works out though, because she really doesn't need much help with anything until winter quarter, when I should be taking less classes. Not should. Will be taking less classes. I need to preserve SOME of my sanity.
Right now I should be reading, but I've been in class so long today that I think I need a break to blog and muse and obsess over silly things. Things like WHEN I'LL GET A WORKING PHONE. I wish I could find Professor Springer from last quarter so that I can tell her how much I am a cyborg now. One little piece of technology dies on me, and I feel as though I've lost my thumb or something. Suddenly, I feel more vulnerable and less competent to go about my daily business. That's ok, my laptop survived my aqueous tragedy, so I can obsessively email. See, Professor? There goes my ridiculous cyborg self, adapting with more technology!
Here's a list of my current obsessions:
1. Apple-Caramel lollipops
2. Vanilla Soy Chai from the Mandeville Coffee Cart
3. Really out-there nail polish names (my nails are currently painted "Skin Tight Denim Creme")
4. Fleurs de Cerisier perfume from L'Occitane
5. Certain colognes. I think my favorite is Giorgio Armani Black Code. During the summer I would spray the cologne on the sample strips from the fragrance section in the mall so that I could use them as bookmarks. The salesladies thought I was shopping for a scent for my boyfriend or something. Oh how wrong they were/are!
6. Bhanu Kapil's lists. I LOVE READING HER BLOG. I'm such a stalker on the internet, only not really. I justify my behavior in my head.
7. Feeling terribly embarrassed that Sarah Palin is the best woman McCain thought to take on. Her interviews with Katie Couric and the SNL skits are hilarious. If I didn't laugh at her, I don't know how I would deal with her ridiculousness.
8. Runs in the morning before the heat hits
9. Reading, while curled up in bed (who am I kidding, this is ALWAYS an obsession)
10. Epic movie soundtracks while I run (ie Gladiator, Lord of the Rings, The Dark Knight, etc) . It makes me feel like I'm going into battle or something.
11. BIC ball-point pens. Cheap and awesome
12. Guardian pens. It's a pity I've lost like 3 of them. They write super well too.
13. Eating dinner foods in the morning and breakfast foods at night
14. Throwing my clean laundry on the bed, only to jump in it and inhale all the good detergent smells
15. http://postsecretfrance.blogspot.com
16. Talking to people I don't know. (It's more acceptable at the beginning of the year when everyone's starting fresh again, and therefore more ok with awkward introductions.)
17. The colors green (like a foresty, dusky or mint green) and red and orange
18. Butterfly-shaped crackers (it makes me feel like I'm 5, and I love it . . even though I don't actually like butterflies.)
19. People-watching around campus on the buses/shuttles
20. Catching up with some of my favorite professors from before, and also a couple of TA's that are still around.
That was quite an extensive list. I was going to stop at 10 at first, but then I came up with a few more. And I had to stop at a multiple of 5 because nonmultiples of 5 tend to irk me. Particularly odd numbers. I tend to think that numbers like 11 and 17 and 19 are just too awkward to have. I'm awkward
Monday, September 22, 2008
Relocation
I'm in San Diego now.
Before I left for SD, I went through a bit of a glory-of-Rome phase. I read The Lives of the Caesars by Suetonius. Quite a fascinating read. Now there's an ancient scholar who would have provided quite an interesting interview on the History Channel (which tries to get the celebrated but more interesting historians and specialists for their programs). Suetonius' descriptions of the lives of the Caesars, starting from Julius Caesar, are very detailed, but in a way that really explains the character of the ruler. Weird habits and beliefs and the like. Like the fact that Julius Caesar started combing his hair forward because he was self-conscious about going bald. HAH. History suddenly becomes human and not so removed from now.
Then I decided that I wanted to watch Gladiator, so I did. I love Russell Crowe in this movie, then again . . I like a lot of his movies. He chooses to be a part of many good projects. Then I got pulled into my love for the Gladiator soundtrack, which was written by Hans Zimmer, who also wrote the soundtrack to The Dark Knight. God the man is talented.
Now I'm rereading some of my favorites from this summer, namely "The Mysterious Stranger" by Mark Twain and Big Sur by Jack Kerouac. I'm still exploring darkness in effort to be reconciled with it.
School starts so soon. I can't wait.
Before I left for SD, I went through a bit of a glory-of-Rome phase. I read The Lives of the Caesars by Suetonius. Quite a fascinating read. Now there's an ancient scholar who would have provided quite an interesting interview on the History Channel (which tries to get the celebrated but more interesting historians and specialists for their programs). Suetonius' descriptions of the lives of the Caesars, starting from Julius Caesar, are very detailed, but in a way that really explains the character of the ruler. Weird habits and beliefs and the like. Like the fact that Julius Caesar started combing his hair forward because he was self-conscious about going bald. HAH. History suddenly becomes human and not so removed from now.
Then I decided that I wanted to watch Gladiator, so I did. I love Russell Crowe in this movie, then again . . I like a lot of his movies. He chooses to be a part of many good projects. Then I got pulled into my love for the Gladiator soundtrack, which was written by Hans Zimmer, who also wrote the soundtrack to The Dark Knight. God the man is talented.
Now I'm rereading some of my favorites from this summer, namely "The Mysterious Stranger" by Mark Twain and Big Sur by Jack Kerouac. I'm still exploring darkness in effort to be reconciled with it.
School starts so soon. I can't wait.
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Twenty years old and I am still afraid of the dark.
The woods and hills metastasize into one
Black Giant And
Make me feel small and
so insignificant.
In the darkness I shrink Or
Perhaps the shadows grow. Yes.
It must be the shadow are growing
They're threatening to swallow me and
I'm not ready yet or ever.
I don't want to be alone in the dark at night.
My dialogues and monologues sound better in my head.
The smokiness of the sencha is doing wonders
To fight off the thick fog that has settled in my brain
And chilled my limbs to sluggishness.
Not the shocking electricity
Battering ram of Columbian brew but
Cleaner.
Smoky topaz clarity, wizened.
I miss things that I shouldn't miss.
Makes me feel stupid
Handicapped
Bound and gagged and tied to
The past.
I need a knife to cut myself free No, NO
No knives I need air and space to breathe.
Breathing and thinking but NOT
Too much. It Hurts. Or
Is it remembering that hurts?
Image shopping is draining. I feel
Small again and the darkness is creeping in.
The woods and hills metastasize into one
Black Giant And
Make me feel small and
so insignificant.
In the darkness I shrink Or
Perhaps the shadows grow. Yes.
It must be the shadow are growing
They're threatening to swallow me and
I'm not ready yet or ever.
I don't want to be alone in the dark at night.
My dialogues and monologues sound better in my head.
The smokiness of the sencha is doing wonders
To fight off the thick fog that has settled in my brain
And chilled my limbs to sluggishness.
Not the shocking electricity
Battering ram of Columbian brew but
Cleaner.
Smoky topaz clarity, wizened.
I miss things that I shouldn't miss.
Makes me feel stupid
Handicapped
Bound and gagged and tied to
The past.
I need a knife to cut myself free No, NO
No knives I need air and space to breathe.
Breathing and thinking but NOT
Too much. It Hurts. Or
Is it remembering that hurts?
Image shopping is draining. I feel
Small again and the darkness is creeping in.
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