I hated these visits, because I kept feeling the visitors measuring my fat and stringy hair against what I had been and what they wanted me to be, and I knew they went away utterly confounded.
-from THE BELL JAR by Sylvia Plath.
I grew up with people expecting great things out of me. And getting into whatever college was like the test to show everyone how great, or not I am. I guess I fell short. By a lot. Does this mean that people no longer have expectations for me? Whatever potential I had apparently went no where in the eyes of a lot of people. They are likely to believe that I'm nowhere near as smart as they had presumed me to be and nowhere near as ambitious. As a little girl I told everyone I would go to Stanford. Parents took me a little seriously I suppose. I no longer want to go to Stanford, but then again, how nice would it be if I DID have the option of going? And yes, I am still sore as hell about the whole college thing.
The college that I DID really want to go to rejected me outright and rejected my appeal. I didn't get into Berkeley or UCLA, though UCLA music was an option I outright turned down (a decision my mother would not let me live down). I feel as though I've let down so many people, especially myself. I should've worked harder, I know I should have. All I can really say now can just be summed up in four words: Hindsight sucks major ass.
I'm going to be honest now . . .
I am much more insecure than I'd like to let on. I am, hands down, a proud person and I hate admitting to my weaknesses. Most people are afraid to confront the worst of themselves. It's easier to vehemently deny the existence of a weak link in ourselves and ignore it rather than fix or accept the flaw.
I care more about what other people think of me than I'd like to let on. I put on the front, the mask, the walls to bolster myself against the possibility of an onslaught of judgments.
I feel unworthy sometimes, talking to some people. I feel like I wasn't high reaching enough or something, or I simply don't have the track record to be of any use to anyone. It's such a negative view that I hold of myself, but I'm just being honest now. I don't think I'm a stupid person, but I do think that I am a lazy one. My laziness has stood in the way of opportunities in the past and it's not something I wish for my future. More than anything I wish I could be truly self-confident. A little self-love can go a long way.
I just wish that in the following time I can finally be completely open and honest with everyone, especially myself.
A happier post next time.
Signing off,
C
4 comments:
just because people talk doesn't mean you have to care
easier said than done =\
i feel you on this one..
thanks for saying some stuff that i was too afraid to say myself.
p.s. front or no front, i'd still like you either way
i feel like that a lot. i'm lazy as well, but i don't LOOK lazy. my pride i guess...=/
two points for honesty is a good song btw.
I liked this post. I liked the honesty, the truth. I appreciate that you're self-aware, that you know that you've got insecurity issues and what-not. And you know, we all do. And to a certain extent, we're all afraid of being vulnerable, of knowing that we're probably as crappy as we feel we are or think we are.
I guess all I can say now is that simply, the main idea of being a follower of Christ is simply realizing that we're really just dirt, and that we need Jesus in our lives for purpose and identity.
When you become less, Jesus becomes bigger in your life, and does bigger things to make your life worthwhile and make you truly happy, knowing that your insecurities and vulnerabilities are made strong in Christ.
So maybe I'll going against the grain and say that you should be proud of being insecure, or of being on your knees in emo-ness. Because that's the first step in letting Jesus pick you up. And I know there's no better feeling. And you should realize it's not about self-confidence...it's really about confidence in Christ, and Christ alone.
=)
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